my mind  is a unique place, fun at times not so fun sometimes but the real frightening thing is getting lost in it. The daily battle to find balance is draining and sometimes you realize you’v been off way too late, that moment of realization is strange cuz you look back and know you were off but at the same time you know that at the time it felt right and then you realize you slipped off the balance line you thought you had carefully drawn and its back to step one the next day. I can’t help and wonder what if you stopped balancing and just let go, or is that how you end up getting lost in your mind I don’t know, all I know is that for now I’l keep trying to balance.

and the worlds begin to merge together again!!

SO  I guess I get it more like I believe it now, your know how they say people with this tend to go off the med’s cuz they think they can do without but that’s not really the case well it sucks cuz this time I really thought I could do it but its only a push away from shit. I know what’s happening is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it dos not feel that way reality tells me its NOT a big deal but it does not feel that way its like realty and the madness and grrr in may head don’t connect it’s like way off the deep end I guess I really do have a mood disorder and no matter what people say it really means that one is damaged!!!  

First birthday I will spend alone, its hard not to be a selfish thinker at times specially when I love and care so much for my friends but we must remember life is not always about us!! 

I think people who think the are ____ are dicks plain and simple, now this may make little sense but its true I just can stand people that think they are something but not the other cuz most of the time they got it wrong most of the time we are that which we fear or negate being its a damn shame but its true. I know what and how I am and understand the consequence of being like I am and find some comfort in it cuz no mater how lonely it can get I know its me not some version of me I put out there to full others and myself, I think that would be the worst felling of all I truly thought I surrounded myself with people that thought the same but I see now that just was not true for most people are willing to sell themselves out in order to not be alone for that sense that somebody out there gets them but from the outside looking in its sad to see a personality die and transform form what once was strong and beautiful into what you thought they never were loosing everything you once saw in them that made that connection and made you friends, this to me is true defeat.  

In some ways I feel like I’ve lost all my friends I guess for some that’s just the path that has been laid out, still it sucks!!

A change is needed for familiarity is uncompromising and will slowly drain all individual will, forgetting what a chance feels like and at what speed to leap from..